Someone has done something. You are so hurt. You are angry!
You can feel the tightness in your chest, the feeling that something is stuck in the top of your throat, the burning in your eyes, the edginess in your arms and feet - you want to do something, hit out, say something cutting, but what?
Breathe. Deep in through your nose. Strong exhale through your mouth.
Stop for a minute. Think.
Did this person do what they did intentionally? Was their purpose to stick it to you or did they simply not consider you may re-act the way you are?
In most cases people don't intend to hurt or anger another person, but we can all be inconsiderate at times, mainly because it is only possible to be considerate based on what we have experience of, and the person who has upset you may consider what they've said or done to be something not worthy of upsetting anyone.
The busier we become, the more our attention is called by this one and that one, the more we are expected to juggle all we are connected to whether that's people, information or tasks, the less time we have to consider all the ramifications of our actions. This means we now have to become more forgiving of others and more resilient to people being insensitive and inconsiderate.
Thinking about the situation that has caused your anger and hurt now, could it be a misunderstanding the other person is oblivious to?
Clearly this scenario is not relevant to everything that may cause you hurt and anger and it may be easier for you to dismiss what I've raised here as irrelevant to what has upset you, but I always consider what I know of the person and their likely intention before I re-act to things they may have said or done to anger me, and I ask that you consider doing the same...
Usually I realise she (or he) just doesn't know what an 'idiot' she has been (the idiot bit being as far as I'm concerned, of course!), and that it is unlikely she intended to provoke my reaction so my first step is to ask her what she intended in a friendly way.
The most common response is a casual one that unbeknownst to her confirms that her intentions weren't what I took them to be.
I then say "I can see you didn't intend this. The way I felt when I saw it was... because... is important to me" or if not those words, I lead with something that shows I know she didn't intend how I took it and then say how I felt (not how she 'made' me feel - that assigns blame and isn't helpful to either of us) and why I felt that way (this usually relates to what matters to you and why).
Having this sort of conversation is so powerful for both of you:
It is really good for your self-worth. (More on that another day, just trust me!)
You stop feeling upset and letting all your anger and hurt thinking fill up your head when you could be thinking of much more fabulous things that make you smile!
It usually builds a much deeper rapport between you and the person involved if you're genuinely able to release your feelings over the matter. Sometimes this requires a bit more communication or a bit of 'time out', but if you value the person this can become a massive gift from your courage to be open and speak up about the situation.
So here's what I recommend you do when you feel hurt and angry:
The moment something happens to trigger your feelings, ask yourself "Is this intentional?" and "Given what I know about this person, is my current reaction something they'd care about?"
Then "Is this worth me getting upset about in the big scheme of things?"
If you lack self-worth then yes, no matter how small the issue you need to deal with it, but if you're a fairly confident person you can let it go if it's not that big a deal in reality.
If you need to deal with it then just decide to act. The decision to take action will release a lot of your feelings anyway. The choice to take action though needs to be toward redressing the misunderstanding not in assigning blame or accusing that person in anyway.
Contact or talk to the person as soon as is practical - avoidance will just encourage you to run more and more scenarios fuelling your negative feelings making it harder to deal with calmly.
Then ask questions around the issue that has upset you so you can gain an understanding of the other person's intentions.
Once you understand then share how it came across to you. Communicating well is an art that we need to practise all the time. I find speaking from my heart, show care for the other person's feelings and intentions too can be really helpful. It's not all about you and it's not all about them - it's about the space in between you.
From there, a healthy reaction would be for the person to empathise, but don't judge them if they start making excuses or get angry. They have feelings too and it is likely they didn't expect what you said and need to process it. Their reaction is about them, not you. It just helps you understand them better and decide whether you want that person in your life, whether closer to you or more of an acquaintance.
Peace is something that's important to me. I don't like conflict, but sometimes we can be so busy avoiding the 'conflict' with others we fill our own heads with conflict, hurt, anger, frustration and noise. It's not good. It's bad for our self-worth. It causes us to get stuck and creates ill-health.
To get rid of it you need to take action. You may need some help figuring out what action to take. Go get the help if you need it. If you have no one else you can talk to about it, book in a free quick chat with me, otherwise go talk it through with someone you trust but someone impartial (not someone who will feed your anger).
JOIN THE CONVERSATION
Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. What's going on for you right now? I'd really like to know.
I love reading your feedback so please do take a moment to share the personal a-ha's this article has raised for you, and what you are going to do differently as a result, in the comments below.
EXPLORE THESE ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Want to know more?
Check-out the video I created over on the Hands-on-Business Facebook page The Truth About Self-Worth and Be Powerful in Your Own Life. I also do a LIVE video every Wednesday at 6.30pm BST where I go into greater detail about different aspects of your life purpose, showing up, your business and what is in your hands and fingerprints.
WORK WITH ME
I'm Helen Elizabeth Evans, a London based life purpose coach and consultant. I work with women in business (and open-minded men!) to powerfully awaken their life purpose work, using a unique combination of scientific hand and fingerprint analysis, deep intuitive skills and practical business acumen running my own businesses for the last 21 years.
I'd love to start a conversation about whether we're a good fit to work together. Simply use this link to arrange an informal chat. There's no hard sell. Just a warm, down-to-earth conversation and a straight forward, honest assessment of whether working with me would be right for you.
I have been running my own businesses from a home office since 1996 and am passionate about business being the vehicle for our freedom. I am also deeply passionate about us each having a purpose on this planet and it's my job to help you find and live yours. I am known as the UK's No.1 Scientific Hand & Fingerprint Analyst as I introduced the system to the UK in 2010. It is the most accurate profiling tool I have encountered. I also have a masters in NLP and have studied astrology and psychology for years - getting your mind to work for you rather than against you!
My clients tell me I am a powerful kick-starter for their purpose, helping them clarify their focus and create an inspired vision aligned with their purpose. They describe me as a highly intuitive, deeply powerful, passionate, authentic and an extremely practical truth teller who makes them laugh, feel safe and free to be their true selves. I help them discover who they really are, find their true purpose, give them a spiritual blueprint for their life expression and help them create a business that is based on their life purpose, so that they can live happy, fulfilled lives without feeling like its all a struggle or just hum drum.
If you want to powerfully kick start your life purpose then book in a call with me. At the very least, you'll leave the call inspired and focused. You can create a life that you love, one that leaves you feeling inspired and delighted every day.